Infertility and My Relationship with God

Ha! So already I am a week behind here on updating the blog. In my defense i was in Michigan celebrating my Grandparents 65th wedding anniversary. Can you even comprehend 65 years! Wow! It was amazing and I was able to spend my birthday with family and friends while I was there. All in all it's been a great week. So much to celebrate and be thankful for.

Also, I'm excited to see that i have followers! Yeah! Of course they are my mother, mother-in-law, and sisters ;-) I'm so thankful for my supportive family. I feel truly loved and blessed!

I have to admit, this week while being home I have been contemplating on the best way to approach my infertility history and share it with you. Words seem to simplify it too much and summing up six years seems impossible. I want keep this blog focused on the journey of adoption and how excited we are about this adventure. I also want to share my feelings during infertility with anyone else that may be facing it and let them know they are not alone and the feelings they may be going through are... hmm what's the word for this? Well, they just are.

I've decided that the best way to approach this was my feelings and closeness and distance and relationship with the Lord. He was so much a part of everything i felt during every moment of this time. For those of you close with God and those who may not be, I know you spent time talking to Him, and questioning Him, and probably whether you had a relationship before or not, you do now.

First of all I should tell you I've always wanted to adopt, whether able to conceive or not. Two of my sisters, while not according to the legalized sense, are adopted. They were brought into our lives when we were very young. I was 6 years old. The moment they walked in the door to our house the love i felt for them was overwhelming. I knew then and there i wanted that kind of love again one day. The smile and love and affection my parents had for them and my sister and I felt for them and the relationship we shared with them was a gift from God. I knew God wanted that from me too. I also have to share that my Uncle and Aunt brought two amazing cousins into our lives. That same love was overwhelming. It was an inspiration and gift. I love them more than words can say. My father was also adopted. My grandmother remarried and my father was given a gift. My grandfather. I love hearing the story of when my father finally was given his new last name and how they went for ice cream afterwards and how grandpa loved and cared for my father, uncle, and aunts as a father should. Adoption has been a part of my life for years. And, finally it's here for me to share as well. This was Gods plan. I'm saving the full story of my sisters for another post. I can't wait to share it!

My life with infertility...

My husband and I were talking about having children together before we were even engaged. If two people were meant to be parents, it was us. I knew i wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man and i couldn't wait to make him a dad. He is going to be amazing! We wanted a big family, a dog, a beautiful home, and couldn't wait to do all this together. I have to brag. God, gave me the most amazing man in the world. I am so very lucky and blessed to share my life with him. Becoming parents together is the single most important thing the two of us planned to accomplish together as partners, as husband and wife, as best friends. Before we were engaged, we talked a lot about our beliefs on how we would raise our children, our fundamentals, communication, religion, education, our roles as parents and partners, etc. Our thoughts were always on the same path. I knew, this is the man thats going to be the father of my children. He was it. I couldn't wait to get started. He must of felt the same way ;-) I'm now his wife.

We decided right away after we were married that we would start a family. Our lives were insane at that time. He was in medical school, we were poor, we didn't own a house, he wasn't home much and when he was he was studying. None of that mattered, we knew if it was Gods will to give us a child everything else would work it's way out. A year went by and nothing and so the discussion about looking into "why" came. It was the beginning of our life with infertility.

We were both devastated and hopeful at the same time. There were never any answers or a diagnosis, it just was. I wanted an answer so bad. I guess actually being diagnosed with "something" would ease the the mind. My husband finally gave me a diagnosis. I think it was for our own sanity rather than actually being the reason. Being a doctor, I'm sure he stands on his conclusion. ;-) I love you honey!

My relationship with God became a nightly prayer of questions. I was going through all the usual emotions of this loss, the pissed, the depressed, the hope, the good news, the bad news, the insanity, the hope again, the good news, and the bad new again. The guilt, anyone experiencing this has felt this. I thought back to everything i've ever done wrong in my life, all the mistakes, the things I'm not so proud of, and begged God to let me go back and fix it. I couldn't help but think God was punishing me for all of my sins. I begged and pleaded for forgiveness for everything. This was the ultimate punishment. I begged Him to please let me make my husband a father over and over again. I could barely breath at the thought of not becoming a mother, but the thought of my husband not becoming a father was to much to bear. It was so unfair. I couldn't help but feel that I have failed my husband, my best friend, someone meant to be a father.

I remember the night, that I found myself no longer praying and asking "why", but for peace, and strength, contentment with this loss, and for the pain to go away. I knew then, I couldn't go through this anymore.  I was dying inside. I couldn't face the ups and downs and disappointments anymore.  It hurt to much. On top of it all, physically I faced all of the side effects from the drugs. Of course, i didn't understand why i couldn't be one of the women that seemed to be unaffected from these. They're all meant to balance you, I however did not feel balanced at all. I went through moments of insanity, deep depression, and i must have cried all my tears for a lifetime. The responsibility of perfection during this time and putting every ounce of my life and myself into this was just to much. I can't begin to describe the sense of failure i felt. It was the most overwhelming sense of failure i have ever experienced. All in all, the drugs, the needles, the appointments, the side effects, the ultrasounds, the transfers were extremely difficult, but i was strong enough to do it and it was worth it. But, the emotions I could not overcome. I could not spend the rest of my life constantly visiting these feelings over and over again. It was time to stop. I continued praying for contentment and peace. I prayed for everyone in my life to never have to experience this and please take my husbands pain away. To give him peace as well. I prayed for an answer to show me the way He had planned for our lives. That I was ready to accept His plan and to please give my husband the strength to do this as well.

It came, the day I saw a sense of peace in my husbands eyes when we were discussing what to do next. He looked at me and said "I'm ready to adopt". That was the day I knew we would survive all of this, that he loved me more than anything, that we were meant to be parents, and that now we would be. I know today, that God was not punishing me, He just had a different path for us. One that I knew as a child was one day going to be a part of my life. God wanted us to be parents, He knew we had the strength, the compassion, and the love to share with a child, one of His children, and soon to be one of ours.